Luna and an Update

I haven't posted about my Syrian hamster Luna for a long while, thought I'd give you an update. She's going to be 17 months old tomorrow and oh my has time flown past! Seems like only yesterday she was just a baby. She's definately grown though, I found a couple of photoraphs of her in her toilet, one from when she was a baby, one from not too long ago and I was absolutely amazed at the size difference.

I wanted to share some photographs and videos of her, she's a massive part of my life and it's only fair that she gets some 'blog time'!

That's actually an old photograph of her but it's one of my favourites. I'll post some recent pics of her at the end of my post.

For those who didn't know about Luna, she is a tortoiseshell and white Syrian hamster, born at Hammysworld in Stockport on the 9th of December 2010. She's a little attention seeking madam! Maybe not so much of the 'little' though, she was tiny when we first got her but now? She's a big, big lass!

We used to use a plastic storage box as a playpen for her, here's a couple of videos of her in it -

She now has a massive playpen made out of Correx (or at least the UK version, can't remember the name). At first she was a bit hesitant in it but quickly gained her confidence in there and now zooms around like a mad thing. 

The last two nights she's been exceptionally active, I reckon it's because last week we called her old lol. She did give my OH a few scratches on his face though, apparently faces don't make good ladders to climb. Lots of claw gripping is needed which just ends up with yelps. 

I was a total idiot the other night... Left her cage door open >.< Thankfully she just went back to bed rather than escape but ever since I've been paranoid that I've left it open and keep going to check it lol. It's the second time I've left her cage open, the first time I didn't reattach a couple of tubes. That time she just went back to sleep instead as well lol. Touch wood I won't do it again! 

These are her most recent photographs, sadly I don't have a working camera anymore so can only photograph her when my mum stays. I can still video her though, if you want to see any more vids of her click on the YouTube icon at the top of the sidebar on the right :)

Luna has lost some fur on her hips, we think it's a combination of molting - her bum goes from black in the winter to brown in the summer - and her age. Although she's not on per say, she's not a spring chicken anymore. She's now having Debittered Brewers Yeast and Cod Liver Oil to help, fingers crossed she grows some of it back, or at least doesn't loose any more. Any healing vibes you could share for her would be appreciated x

I was a bit sad recently as I found a Robovoski hamster called Poppy on Preloved that needed a new home, convinced my other half, found the perfect place in our flat to put her cage and as she came with everything she needed I didn't need to buy any more. Turned out she was allergic to the substrate I use and we don't have the space to buy another massive bag of substrate... But, I posted about her on a hamster forum and someone on there has re homed her :D I know that she's in a really good home now, just wish I could have met her!

An update re the agoraphobia/anxiety problems I've been having... I start cCBT soon, possibly this week! A friend sent me some info about these self help people, I referred myself to them (saved going through my GP) and I've got an assessment on Friday. I have to admit I'm not in any way looking forward to it, I'm a complete bag of nerves but I know that it will help me so I'm gritting my teeth and getting on with it. It's all done over the phone and on line which makes it much, much more suited to me as I'm not able to get out and I'm not so good with person to person things. At least not when it comes to problems I'm having. 

I hope that you're all well and enjoyed the Super Moon! I'll post an update about the cCBT soon, fingers crossed it goes well!

I went out

A little while back I told you that I was having problems with agoraphobia - well, I seem to have made a tiny step towards being able to function normally.

I haven't been able to leave my flat for a 11 months but last week I went to the corner shop! It's a five minute walk away but I haven't been able to go further than the car park (I live in an apartment building, 2nd floor) for so long. I don't know why I was able to go then, I just went downstairs with my OH to see off the landlord but my OH wanted to go to the shop and I had left my keys behind, I said that I would borrow his keys and come and let him in when he got back. Then I decided walking a few steps wouldn't hurt and ended up going all the way to the shop.

Very proud of myself, it's the most progress I've made for almost a year. Sometimes it's hard just leaving the flat to check the post (which is on the ground floor).

Anyway... I'm proud and just wanted to share >.< Go me :D 

Depression and Anxiety

I've suffered from depression for five or six years now, with a touch of anxiety thrown in for good measure. I originally thought that my depression was down to being a teenager - you know, all those hormones and what have you. I then came to realise that in fact I suffered from a mental disorder that needed medical attention and wouldn't sort itself out once I left my teens and my body became "stable". I sought out help, went to my GP and was put on anti depressants, therapy was not offered but I think the GP put me on the Community Mental Health Teams waiting list.

The first anti depressants didn't go too well - I ended up having panic attacks and any glance in the mirror made me want to scratch my own eyes out. No idea why I had that particular reaction to them but two weeks later I was put onto a different type, which I've been on for a three or so years now. They work, the depression is under control and what have you but the anxiety has gotten progressively worse, to the point where I ha vent left the house for almost three months.

It seems I have developed agoraphobia without even realising it.

Definition from About.com (their source - American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (4th Ed.). Washington, DC: Author)

Agoraphobia is often misunderstood as a phobia of leaving home. However, this is not quite accurate. Agoraphobia is a phobia of being in a situation where escape would be difficult or impossible, or help would be unavailable if a panic attack should occur.

Agoraphobia is often a progressive phobia, and may eventually lead to a fear of leaving the house. However, it is the panic attack, rather than the act of being in public, that is the cause of the fear. Symptoms of agoraphobia may include:

• Panicked Feelings: Agoraphobia can become a self-replicating cycle. The sufferer is anxious about having a panic attack which can, in turn, lead to a panic attack.
  
  
• Avoidant Behavior: Limiting life activities in an effort to avoid situations where help for a panic attack may not be available.
  
  
• Clustering: A pattern of avoided situations is generally present. Common clusters include public transportation; shopping; driving; and leaving home.

Agoraphobia often develops out of an untreated panic disorder. More information about panic disorder with agoraphobia can be found at What is Agoraphobia? However, agoraphobia sometimes develops with no prior history of panic disorder. A mental health professional can determine whether your symptoms are those of agoraphobia or another disorder.

This rings true with me -

Panicked Feelings - I suffer from panic attacks and I fear having them which in itself causes a panic attack. Hyperventilation, at least for me, causes me to feel sick, dizzy, shakey, hot, sweaty and if I don't calm down quickly my hands go into spasm, both my arms and legs go numb and I get pins and needles in my face.

Avoidant Behaviour - I avoid leaving my flat which is my "secure" place. When I'm at home I rarely have a panic attack and the ones I do have at home are because I'm about to leave it/should be leaving it.

Clustering - I didn't actually realise just how much I avoided situations until it became so bad I wouldn't leave my flat. Thinking back, I've always had a fear of going to new places, I'd stick to my usual haunts and would usually refuse to go out with family and friends if they wanted me to go somewhere new, it then progressed to avoiding certain public transport, then avoiding going to places that weren't close to my flat, to eventually not leaving my flat at all.

The problems that anxiety has caused me have been awful - financially, I've screwed both myself and my other half up, I have no friends, I don't visit family and I cant even remember the last time I walked on grass or touched a tree trunk.

I will be seeing my GP this week (well, I'll arrange a home visit) and I will be able to discuss treatment with him. I'm just terrified I will never become well, that I'll never be able to go outside and enjoy the sunshine without being terrified. That I'll never be able to go shopping or to Chester Zoo or get married because of these stupid fears that I don't really understand. But, there is treatment, therapies and all sorts that I can try so I will never give up hope that's for sure, I control the depression, I can control the anxiety too!

Sorry for the "poor me" type post - with the docs appointment this week I've been thinking a lot about my illnesses and wanted to share my own experiences with it, maybe someone out there with similar feelings will realise that they aren't alone.

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